Homewrecker.

Okay, I can't - no, I won't - post about this on the blog that everyone reads. I won't lower myself that far, and I won't make this all public. It shouldn't matter to me what lies are spread, and what bullshit is said. My friends know me, and know the truth, and anyway - just because it's not true doesn't mean the person saying it means it as a lie, and maybe she really believes it, right?

But I just don't understand. Last time I spoke to him, he told me he loved me. I even asked (I constantly asked, ever since he contacted me and asked me back in his life) if he was sure it wasn't that he wanted his marriage back that was causing us to not be able to speak - and he assured me it really was just the work situation, and that he loved me, wanted to be with me, that our relationship mattered and that if I'd just be patient until he moved out on his own, everything would be the way we always talked about having it.

I've never in my life KNOWINGLY been with someone who was in a relationship, or married. I'm not a homewrecker. I'm not an adulterer.

When I went to Arizona, from December 2nd to December 5th, not only had he told me they were offically divorced, but she had actually written to me apologizing for her behavior and telling me she just wanted him to be happy, if that was with me all the better. As far as I know, they were NOT together at the time. And that's the only time I went to Arizona. The other trip we'd planned, for July, never happened.

When we broke up the first time, it was very similar to this time. He started not having time for me. Started telling me not to call, and not returning phone calls. Not keeping promises he made. Not showing up. He swears that Jody and him did not get back together until a while after that - but I've always believed that it all started when they went to see Les Mis together. That was when he started pulling away. Hindsight and all that, right.

I guess it's the same way this time. He never told me they were even considering working things out. No one's told me anything. And all of a sudden, one of my friends is sending me a link to a blog of hers, saying how I'm harassing them. How I'm trying to destroy their chance at working things out. Horrible things about me - untrue or twisted to sound a lot worse than the reality, but still harsh.

I don't understand - if all the things she writes about him are true, why she would want him back is beyond me. Hell, I love the man, and I wouldn't take him back if the things she says are true. But that's none of my business - what I don't understand is why, if she is taking him back, she wouldn't want him to call me and break up with me. Why she wouldn't want to assure herself that he's not keeping me in the wings, to start with - and why she would play the victim, the "I don't know what to do, she just won't stop calling us and it's ruining our life" - when it would be much easier to just have him break up with me. I hadn't talked to him in 2 weeks, and I hadn't called in over a 11 days (there's an explination for why I did finally call - not that I should need an explination, until last night I was still firm in the belief that she was his ex-wife and I was his girlfriend) - so how was I supposed to know?

And of course, there's the part of me that just doesn't believe her. I mean, she called me and said he was dead when he obviously wasn't. She's lied to him, she's lied to me, she's lied to me about him lying to me. She's attempted to create a "relationship" with me, I truly believe just so she could use anything she found against both of us. And I did email her to that affect - that I'll happily stop calling; when I found out last time that they were back together, regardless of what she says about me, I did not speak to him once the entire time they were reconciled. Of course, I would have stopped calling and emailing him sooner had I known they were back together.

I do wonder if there was ever "his own apartment" with the roommates from his old job, or if he'd really been moving back in with Jody the entire time, and just was continuing to string me along. That's what I've believed from the moment I found out they were back together that time. All I wanted then was the closure of him telling me what had happened, of him saying goodbye, and me being able to say goodbye. I never expected him to email me asking me back. Never expected to hear from him again, the rest of my life, to be honest.

I want to repeat again - I've never KNOWINGLY participated in an affair. Every time Rob and I had any contact with each other, it was after he'd insisted to me that his marriage was over. When he asked me to leave Wisconsin for Arizona with him (and yes, he asked) I said no because while him and Jody were supposedly seperated, it was clear then that they weren't done. That was years and years ago. And I hadn't spoken to him in YEARS since then. When I did start speaking to him in May, he was living with his brother. He had no strings, except his responsiblities to his children. I believed what he told me. And he never had the balls to tell me when Jody and him got back together. So I guess if they are back together now, I shouldn't be surprised.

I don't know if I was ever a person with him. It's so easy, long distance, to be selfish. And while he always told me how selfish I was, and made sure I felt guilt over all of my actions, this is the same man who left me in a hotel room for an entire weekend, except the few times he showed up for an hour at a time to make love, and didn't even call me for over 28 hours at a stretch. I did believe he loved me - I believed every word he said to me, even when I shouldn't have - but it was always very clear that he didn't have much consideration for me.

And the fact is, I didn't KNOW him. I didn't get to spend every day with him. I never got to wake up next to him. Hell, I never got to fall asleep in his arms. I can't say anything with authority about him - I knew the man he presented to me, and the man I loved.

There's just so much about it I don't understand.

I just wish he'd told me. That either of them had told me, for that matter. How the hell was I supposed to know?

Apparently, this is some sick game that they play. I should have known from the moment he asked me to come back not to get involved.




After months of not hearing from him, talking to him, or anyone involved with him, Rob sent me this...

Well.

This is Rob, obviously.

Things are fucked up, more fucked up than you’d ever believe.

Do you want the story? After reading the emails I’m not sure you do. And that’s fine.

You’ll surely take some consolation in knowing my life is shit. I lost my job (though I have a new one, it’s nothing I enjoy). I didn’t have internet access for almost 2 months. I had no idea Jody was ever in contact with you. None. The whole “I died” thing? Didn’t know that came from her. First I’d heard of it was when Byron called me.

There’s a lot to be said. If you never want to say it, I understand. But let me make a few declarations.

I tried to mend my family. And it has backfired in my face, big time. I don’t have a place to live (since any money I had disappeared when I lost my job), and my brother has a new roommate. So I’m stuck in a house where I sleep on a couch and am not permitted to move on.

I have lost you.

I love you.

Jody threw my cell phone away – and I didn’t have internet access – meaning I didn’t have your phone number. I tried the number you emailed me, somebody else answered.

I AM YOUR FRIEND.

I know that you’ll never permit me your heart again, and I understand why. You have a new man. I applaud you. Move on. I have done the one thing I never wanted to – I have caused you pain. I don’t ask for forgiveness. I fully anticipate you to hate me. But I am sorry.

I have worked on this email for 4 hours now. I have deleted more than I left in. But yes, I look at your picture – the one that I was able to save. I fantasize about you constantly. I have these gift certificates for American Airlines in front of me right now. I know they’ll never be used to bring you to me – I know that I’ve forfeited my chance to ever have that. But I’ll never use them for anything else.

I seem to ruin everything I touch. I’m sorry.

My work number is (deleted) I am here until 6pm my time (9pm your time). What I can say is limited – I sit in a room with 4 other people and no walls between us, but if you ever want to have a conversation, I will stay late. I’m working at getting a new phone.

I can be reached at this email. It’s one thing that Jody cannot get to.

BTW – I will do what I can to get her out of your life. I can’t get her out of mine, but I will try.

’m sorry. You should probably move on. My life is shit. I’m not in a good place. I find myself friendless. Hopeless. Don’t feel that you need to wander into this sewer.

But you can. I love you. I know, you said you don’t love me anymore, and I am very, very happy for you. All your friends will tell you – run from me. I’M telling you this.

But you can contact me if you want. I’m not hiding from you.

Rob

...
how could i not be his friend, when he was so alone and miserable? and then, when i offered friendship, he wanted a relationship. and i loved him. what the fuck could i do?

Jody, if he was lying to me, and I believed him, I am sorry. I've told you before, I never did anything with Rob while you two were together. If, at any point, he lied to me - I'm sorry that I trusted him. But that's what you do when you love someone.

Rob, if Jody's making this all up - and it'd be so easy to believe it's all lies - I'm sorry because my trust in you isn't what it used to be. And obviously your love for me isn't what it used to be - that's been evident for a long time; starting from the trip out there and going through everything that's happened since the moment I got on the plane home.

And, I guess I should be heartbroken - but I'm just not. It's something dying, and that hurts, but I'd already made a concious decision to walk away. And while I emailed Jody and said that if she wanted the calls to end, all she had to do was have Rob tell me that it was over - I'd already deleted his number from my phone, and thrown out any record of it I had. So why get all heartbroken. I'm really not - I just feel dirty and used and ignorant and betrayed. I feel naive and stupid and childish - which I guess I am.


another of his emails -

Okay, I decided I’d bring you up to date on a few things. I want to be more open with you, and this is me doing that.

About 2 years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker. With all the other shit in my marriage, this was the thing that finally stopped it. Her name is Karen, and she’s about 20 years older than I am. If you ever want to know more I’ll tell you, but for now suffice it to say that I DID cheat on my wife one time while we were together.

I was raised very religious, very restrictive. Most of my family still adheres to that. I haven’t in a long time, but I do occasionally go to church to be supportive of my kids. One of the biggest headaches with my dad is that I’ve “wandered” away from church. However, I think most religions have good teachings in them, if you can sort through the bullshit. I try to pick the good stuff out and live it while ignoring the rest.

As my age and weight have gone up, my sexual performance has gone down. Seriously. A good chunk of times, I cum distressingly quickly. Just warning you.

I’m freaking out here about the possibility of you getting pregnant. We need to talk about this.

Yesterday I was home and my sister-in-law was home. She’s 25, 3 inches taller than I am. She’s interesting, I’ll tell you more about her later. I don’t think she realized that I had stayed home sick yesterday. I came out my bedroom at about 10:30, half asleep. She was sitting on the couch, naked as a jaybird, watching some lesbian porn (pretty fucking good porn, too), and fingering herself like crazy. She was moaning. I must have made some noise, because she jumped about a mile high and turned really, really, red. I said “I’m sorry! God, I’m sorry!” and booked to my bedroom. I figured I’d wait 10-15 minutes and then try to come out again. After about 30 seconds she asked me to come out – I figured she’d thrown a robe on and wanted to apologize. I turn the corner and there she is, naked and right in front of me. She said, “No-strings-attached, fuck me. I need to be fucked.” And then tried to kiss me.

I want to you to know – this sounds like some weird fantasy, but it happened yesterday.

She managed to get her lips on mine for about a second before I got away. I told her that I couldn’t do that right now, I was sorry. I walked away and she told me that the offer was open, any time we were alone. She’s quite shameless.

I won’t be spending time alone with her anytime soon.

Now, I’ll be honest. The thought entered my mind – “Sure, she’s a whore (literally, she has had sex for money before), she a freak, and she’s trouble all around. But a quick nobody-ever-knows quick fuck? C’mon!”. I killed that thought. But man, it freaked me out the rest of the day J Don’t worry. I’d never have sex with somebody unless you said it was okay – and I’m not expecting you to ever say that!

Anyway. I’m sure there’s stuff in all this you didn’t want to hear, but there it s. Also – the sister-in-law thing, it’s funny. Don’t approach it as anything BUT funny!

I love you, babe.

---

i don't know.

i guess i just need to remind myself that it was "real" - even if it was real fucked up.

i am not a homewrecker.

i'm just really really stupid.

oh well.